Swiss president served raclette with chaat masala; Valais demands mobilisation, Bern sets up working group
On a state visit to India, Guy Parmelin was served a spiced raclette. Swiss neutrality survived two world wars, but it had never faced this.
NEW DELHI. He held firm. According to menus published by the Indian press, Swiss President Guy Parmelin was served fire-roasted potatoes with raclette cheese, coriander chutney and chaat masala at Hyderabad House on 5 October, followed by a reimagined Swiss nut tart and masala chai ice cream. Nobody knows whether he enjoyed it. Our witnesses, entirely imaginary, agree: the former Vaud winegrower ate it. He even smiled.
Back home, the news caused a shock historians compare to the Battle of Marignano, only spicier. In Sion, capital of Valais, the canton that considers raclette its national dish, a crisis committee demanded that the mountain brigade be mobilised and the ambassador recalled, “at least symbolically”. “We accepted the end of banking secrecy, half-and-half fondue and the EU bilaterals,” said a Valais cheesemaker, his voice breaking. “But there are red lines. Ours are yellow, and they ooze.”
At the Federal Council, Switzerland’s seven-member collective government, an imaginary spokesperson said it had “taken note”. An interdepartmental working group will report by 2029 on whether chaat masala falls under agricultural policy, neutrality or public health.
A federal official, speaking on condition of anonymity, raised the prospect of reciprocity. “Next time Mr Modi visits, he gets butter chicken with Gruyère. Then we’ll see who blinks first.”
At press time, candidates to succeed Parmelin, who leaves the Federal Council at the end of the year, had been asked to attach a cumin-tolerance test to their applications.
Le Cardon is a satirical paper. This article is fiction.