Genevan Buys 4,800-Franc Espresso Machine, Hasn't Slept Since: 'It Paid for Itself in Three Nights'
He now knows the night bus timetable by heart. So do his neighbours, from hearing him grind.
GENEVA. A Pâquis resident who bought a dual-boiler espresso machine last month for 4,800 francs has not slept a wink since, but insists the investment “paid for itself in three nights.”
As proof, the man presents a fourteen-tab Excel spreadsheet comparing the cost of each cup with the price of a coffee on a terrace at the Molard: 5.80 francs. “At thirty-seven espressos a night, the maths is simple,” he explains, his left eyelid twitching at regular intervals.
His building’s house rules ban all noise after 10pm. His neighbours have sent three registered letters to the property manager about a grinder “that starts at 3:12am sharp, every night.” He disputes this: “I measured it: 71 decibels. That’s quieter than a night bus.” He now knows the timetable of every night bus line by heart, having watched them pass from his balcony.
According to relatives, he has descaled the machine eleven times in four weeks, eleven more times than he has called his mother. His old Nespresso has been relegated to the basement, next to the exercise bike, “for guests.”
His doctor advised him to cut back. The man replied that he had already added a “health” tab to the spreadsheet and that, given his extra waking hours, he was now “the most profitable employee in the canton.”
On Thursday he ordered a second grinder, “for redundancy.”
Le Cardon is a satirical paper. This article is fiction.